Episode 16: Untitled

“Hoo hoo. Now what was this about a trout?” Lady Euphrasia had asked.
And Ivan had squirmed in reply.

That evening, before sunset, they reached the swamp limits and the first solid ground their feet had met in days. To the east, a blue edge was faintly visible on the horizon: a gulf that opened out into the sea. To the west, the crags of the Bone Mountains. Ahead of them lay the bleached, broken Bone Road, which cut through vast grasslands and marshes. Mirrathan pointed a bony finger north.
“What’s he trying to say?” Jnii murmured from one corner of her mouth.
“I think he just wants us to go on the Bone Road,” Ivan whispered back.
He smiled to himself as Sir Oliphant leaned forward, closer to his horse’s neck, and, consequently, Mirrathan’s skinless and muscle-less hands made eager clacking noises on the knight’s armor as he desperately tried to hold on. The rest of the company seemed rather disturbed by this, as they edged away slightly, but none was more troubled than Oliphant. Trout was just about to be pissed off. He had had to retrieve the skeleton three times that day after he had slipped off. Luckily, Mirrathan managed to wrap his brittle arm bones around the good sir’s trunk and stayed on the horse.
The company was grateful when they finally saw signs of more hospitable country: a narrow creek, a large, leafy tree with outstretched limbs, and a great mass of flat, warm rock protruding from the rich soil.
Oliphant was the only one to object as each one in turn dismounted and lay
down in the grass or sat on the rock or tested the waters of the creek.
“Surely we should not rest in such a place!” he cried.
Ivan sat up on his elbows and craned his neck over the long blades of grass to squint at him. “Why shouldn’t we?”
“This place is far too open, my boy––” Oliphant stopped and stared at Jnii,
who had suddenly jumped up and picked up a rotting log.
“What’s the matter with you?” Trout hollered at Jnii from beside the creek. He wiped the smirk off his face as Oliphant turned to look at him. Chivalry was such a drag.
“I heard something!” Jnii cried. “It sounded––I don’t know––like someone yelling something in the swamp.”
“Perhaps a Kraken?” Euphrasia suggested.
“No… that sounds more like oversized poultry. This sounded human.”
Trout stood up and swaggered over to his companions. “I think we’ll be able to handle whatever human thing comes out of that swamp.”
“It sounded like they were screaming, ‘Justice!’” Jnii raised both her hands as she said the last word, and gave Trout a sidelong glance. “I think the Knights are coming our way now.”
Trout thought for a moment, then smiled and went for his horse. “Never you mind, old girl. You have me and Oliphant to guard your honor.” Jnii couldn’t help a snort, which she quickly covered up with a cough. Trout glared at her as he added, “And Lady Euphrasia’s… And Ivan’s.”

And so they made camp under the sprawling limbs of the tree. There were no more audible cries of “Justice!” from the swamp behind them, and as the sun set, Lady Euphrasia made a fire and they all rested in the grass.
The night had become cold, and Jnii shivered as she pulled the mens’ gloves that Sir Gulliden had given to her from her pack and pulled them over her much smaller hands.
“Oh, Beurel?” she whispered to Trout, who sat on the rock with his hands wrapped around his knees, as she tried to pull the gloves taut.
“What is it?”
“Would you aid me in the finding of a certain herb, which I believe would benefit our breakfast tomorrow?” Jnii smiled at Lady Euphrasia, a little too brightly. “With her Ladyship’s permission, of course.”
Euphrasia smiled back. “You may add what you like, Jnii.”
Trout chewed on a piece of grass thoughtfully as he regarded Jnii, smiling and blinking up at him from her seat in the grass.
“It’s dark out.”
She jumped up. “The best time to find the herb I’m speaking of.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him up too.
The two of them walked––stumbled, rather––up a grassy hill in the pitch black and (painfully) came upon a large stump. Jnii pushed Trout onto the stump, and he complained bitterly of her rough treatment.
“Shut up, or they’ll hear you!” Jnii whispered hoarsely.
Trout paused, then chuckled. “Why, you saucy little wench––“
“Take your hands off me!” A slapping sound. “You’ll have them on to us!”
“What are you on about?” Trout replied. “They’re far off from us, now. Unless we managed to walk in circles.”
“I mean about our identity. I should say your identity. If you don’t stop acting surly and uncouth, they’ll know you’re not a minstrel.”
“Where’d you learn a word like uncouth?” Trout rested his elbow on his knee, and his head on his palm. “It’s all these nobles around you. Trying to better yourself, are you?”
“At least someone is trying to better herself.”
“Oh, piss and rot. You’re as uncouth as me, and you know it.”
Jnii put her hands on her hips. “I notice your uncouthness falls off a bit when you’re sucking up to her ladyship.”
“Uncouthness, eh? Well, that’s because she’s a lady.”
Jnii shook off the indirect insult. “I want you to take me home.”
“What?” Trout stood, as best he could, and folded his arms in front of himself. “What do you mean you want me to take you home?”
Jnii pushed Trout back onto the stump, to which he reacted by bellowing. She tried to put a hand over his mouth as he continued to loudly exclaim and rub his posterior.
“What in bloody hell has gotten into you?” he cried. “You damn near crushed me against this thing!”
“Oh, stop complaining. I couldn’t have hurt you that badly––“
“Like hell you couldn’t!”
Trout stood again and walked off into the darkness.
“Trout!” Jnii cried into the black. “Oh, come back! I’m sorry!”
She ran after him, and stumbled against him just as he reached the top of the hill overlooking their campsite.
“You’re a lunatic,” he hissed at her.
“You’re a cad,” she hissed back.

“No herbs for me?” Euphrasia smilingly asked the next morning, when everyone
had woken up.
“I couldn’t find it after all,” Jnii said. “I thought for sure it would be here.”
“Perhaps in the daylight––“
Trout cleared his throat. “Jnii’s not a real herbalist anyway. Doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
“Ah, yes, but that’s because my true art is dancing, as we all know.”
The last Jnii was sure to emphasize, nodding and smiling at Sir Oliphant and Lady Euphrasia.
Lady Euphrasia looked up, a small smile on her face. “Why, thank you, Jnii.”
“Huh?”
“You reminded me. I had not remembered that you were artists and entertainers. Would you favor us, Master Beurel, with a song?”
Trout cleared his throat. “Ah… I would be honored, my lady, except that I
fear––my spirits would not be in it this morning.”
“Perhaps you are hungry!” the lady said, holding out a bowl to Trout. Trout took the bowl, nodding at her ladyship as politely as he could.
Ivan scowled. Euphrasia had been holding that bowl for ten minutes, and he had been waiting for it. And now Trout had his dirty snout in it, and Lady Euphrasia would probably take another ten minutes dishing out the next bowl.
And then she would give that bowl to Oliphant. And then she would take another ten minutes dishing out the next bowl, chunk by chunk by chunk….
Ivan came back to reality with the soft tinkling of Euphrasia’s laughter as she said, “I fear that I, too, have often been hungry these past few days. Perhaps we may find good fare at Dool the Malignant’s house, if he is hospitable.”
Oliphant was handed his bowl. Trout, who had fallen to as soon as he received his share, noticed the knight politely place the bowl in his lap and wait for Euphrasia to serve the others. Trout placed his own bowl in his lap and furtively wiped his mouth.
“I don’t see how any one could treat our company inhospitably, Lady Euphrasia,” Trout commented, “while you are with us.”
Jnii poked him with her elbow.
“I thank you for that, my good sir,” Euphrasia said, handing Jnii a bowl. “I wonder if Dool the Malignant has a taste for pies.” A sharp rattling from Mirrathan’s place on the other side of the tree seemed in response to this.
“Perhaps not. I have a decided sweet tooth, don’t I, Sir Oliphant?”
Oliphant had been gazing at Euphrasia the whole while, and now he smiled.
“Perhaps, my lady, but it has never become a vice.”
Euphrasia nodded her head. “No, it has not. Ivan!”
Ivan jumped.
“You told me of a friend of yours yesterday. Named, quite absurdly, The Greasy Trout––“
Before Euphrasia had quite finished saying the word “trout,” Trout was
on his feet (his bowl tossed to the side), across the campsite, and holding Ivan a good two feet off the ground by his shirt collar.
“––the––pie––maker––“ Euphrasia continued, staring at the struggle going on
in front of her.
There was a great deal of screaming now going on: Trout screaming indistinguishable curses; Jnii screaming for Trout to let go of Ivan; Ivan just screaming unintelligibly until the following could be deciphered:
“G.T.!” Ivan cried. “I didn’t tell her anything!”
“You little piece of––“
“Watch what you say, Master Beurel!” Jnii cut in, a nervous glance at Euphrasia and Oliphant.
“G.T.?” Lady Euphrasia asked, standing up.
Trout stopped yelling, as did Ivan, and both stared at her.
“Tell me, Master Beurel, how many alternate names do you have?”
Euphrasia’s sweetness had dissipated a little, and she watched the three of them
with one raised eyebrow.
“G.T. Ah.” Trout swallowed.
“It’s actually JeeTEE,” Jnii cut in. “Said like that.”
“Which is my last name,” Trout continued.
“Beurel Jeetee,” Ivan murmured, now back on his feet.

“JUSTICE!”
Trout was knocked off his feet by a Justice Knight catapulted from a nearby grove of trees, followed by another Justice Knight (not catapulted), who ran for Oliphant.
There were only the two of them, it seemed, and Trout managed to free himself from his attacker with a little help from Jnii, who placed one hand on the Knight’s shoulder and sent him flailing back against the tree trunk with a sickening thud.
Jnii stared at her gloved hands in surprise.
Oliphant had, of course, been well able to fend off his own attacker, and he
had him already pinned on the ground under the blade of his sword.
“What shall I do with him?” Oliphant cried. “Are there more?”
Jnii, still in awe of herself, walked over to Oliphant and, motioning
for him to sit back a bit, punched the pinned Justice Knight square in the
face, sending him unconscious.
Sir Oliphant stared at her.
“What did you do that for?” Trout cried. The Justice Knight Jnii had
slammed against the tree moaned. Trout looked at him and sighed. “OK, I guess
this one’s conscious,” he said, and walked over to the knight.
“You there! Ugly!” Trout geared up to slap the Knight’s face and rouse
him.
The Justice Knight was surprisingly resilient and jumped back before
Trout could strike him.
“Sacre bleu!” he cried.
“Why are the Justice Knights always French when Sara writes the post?”
Jnii whispered to Ivan.
Ivan shrugged. “I think she doesn’t know either,” he replied.
Trout made a quick grab for the knight’s arm, but he jumped back again and craned his neck around to get a glimpse of his comatose partner.
“There’s––there’s more of us near!” the knight screamed, his voice breaking with terror. “You––you better give yourselves up now, in the name of justice!”
“Juuuustiiiiice…” the now-semi-conscious Justice Knight moaned.
“To the horses!” Oliphant cried.
Trout leaped forward and tackled the Justice Knight, sending him back against the tree trunk, as Oliphant helped Lady Euphrasia and Jnii pack up and jump on the horses. Ivan ran to Jnii, who grabbed onto his hand and effortlessly pulled him up behind her. In fact, the deed was so effortless that she nearly pulled the boy clear across the saddle.
Mirrathan had gotten back onto his feet, and now stood at Oliphant’s stirrup, holding up his brittle bony arms towards the knight to be hoisted up as well. Oliphant hesitated, then remembering their hurry, took hold of Mirrathan’s arm.
And they were off. Trout, leaving the Justice Knight dazed on the ground, jumped onto his horse and rode off after his companions.
As the distance between them and the beaten Justice Knights grew, they could hear the conscious one cry into the wind, “We will get you yet, Greasy Trout!”
Euphrasia narrowed her eyes and exchanged glances with Oliphant, who rode beside her.


They were riding along the Bone Road, and when it seemed that there was not as great a need for speed as the Justice Knights may have suggested (there was no sign of more knights anywhere for miles around), they slowed to a trot.
Jnii and Ivan’s horse was tiring easily, for what reason they did not know as neither Jnii nor Ivan could be much of a burden to it, so they slowed down and lagged behind the rest of the company.
They were silent for most of the morning, as Jnii stared hatefully at Trout’s back, and Ivan tried to ignore the fact that Mirrathan kept on swiveling his head all the way round to catch glimpses of him. Or at least, it appeared that he was looking at Ivan. The lack of eyes in the eye sockets made judging such things difficult.
“Oh, Ivan,” Jnii suddenly murmured, low enough for no one to hear ahead of them. “You should thank God you’re not a woman.”
“What?” Ivan squirmed.
Jnii’s voice went heavy and whiny, full of emotion. “You don’t know what it’s like –– What it’s like to be abused by a no-good bully of a man.”
“Actually––”
Jnii cut him off. “Not that kind of abuse. The mental kind.”
“Well––“
“Oh, shut up, Ivan. He’s stolen my heart away and now he’s breaking it!”
Ivan bit his lip and considered possibly jumping off and running behind Trout’s horse again. But that might lead to another exchange, and Mirrathan as his riding partner again.
“My mother warned me of men like him,” Jnii continued.
Ivan furrowed his eyebrows. “You have a mother?”
Jnii sniffed. “Of course I have a mother. How do you think I came about?”
“I thought your mother was dead.”
Jnii paused. “No, she’s not dead.”
“I never saw her in town. I thought you and Falti were alone.”
“Oh, she was home mostly. Sewing and making pies and stews and––oh God! You see? You thought she was dead, but all she was doing was making pies! Is that going to be my fate? I’ll be a quiet little wife with nothing to say? Or maybe, even worse, I’ll be a shrew, always screaming. I guess we’ll see, when Trout does right by me.
“Does––right by you?”
“Never mind. You’re too young to understand.”

At this moment, Mirrathan started rattling his bones and pointing.
“Quick!” Oliphant cried. “Someone hand him a parchment!”
Trout came up beside Oliphant and Mirrathan’s horse and took a piece of parchment and a grease pencil (another gift from Sir Gulliden) from his pack.
Mirrathan, with some difficulty, put the parchment against Sir Oliphant’s back and started to scratch out some words.
When he was done, Trout grabbed the parchment and read:
“Dool’s house is two miles west beyond that line of pine trees off the Bone Road. For god’s sake, tell the knight to take a bath. Young Applesmith thinks he smells too.”
Oliphant frowned. Mirrathan turned to Ivan with these last words, nodded his head, and tapped his skull. Ivan looked for a place to punch.